These came to me via my buddy Anvar Alikhan. I formally designate him Humouristocrat Extraordinaire!
A BETTER CLASS OF PUN
1. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
2. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
4. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
5. A backward poet writes inverse.
6. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
7. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
11. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
12. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
16. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
18. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.