Sunday, February 05, 2006

More Cows!

Yup. It's that time of life again -- those political cows and their ideological products ... A new set (well, new for me. I've read the earlier list dozens of times. This is the first new lot in a LONG while).

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage
his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays
you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours
the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do
an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when one cow
drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink
lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run
a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are
two. You don't milk them because
you cannot touch any
creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the U.S.
government to find alternatives to milk production,
but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send out radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other
times she thinks she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish
cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown
one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.



Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell
you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal cows.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


VEGETARIAN CORPORATION

Has two cows
And they are pets.

... and finally:

MARGINALIEN CORPORATION

You wonder: What are "cows"?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

indian company
you have a cow and a bull.
nothing happens as you are still waiting for the matchmaker to work out the astro charts and sanctify the union gt

Sreejith Narayanan said...

British Corporation:
The milk from your cows is claimed to be the best in the world, though it is no way different from other nations. And you project your cows to be the major producers in the future, their underperformance presently is because you live in the future.

Anonymous said...

Indian

you have two cows. they are sitting in the middle of the road blocking the traffic. somebody comes and builds a shrine next to the two cows. the shrine becomes very popular and is visited by thousands of people everyday.

David said...

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.