Monday, March 07, 2005

Women's Day Ho-ho-ho-hum

As will come as no surprise, I find Women's Day annoying and demeaning -- but then I remind myself that I'm only superficially a human female (in reality I'm an extra-terrestrial belonging to a species that doesn't reproduce at all -- we develop spontaneously as and when the cosmos calls us into existence. Thereafter we waft about the galaxy in our happy gender-neutral way until we feel it's time to die) and that makes me feel all better.

In order to cheer those of you who are feeling unusually gloomy at the prospect of "celebrating" the day during which one half of humanity gets a chance to express its humble gratitude for being given a WHOLE DAY to be yet more conscious of its victimhood and lowly status in the world, such that it needs to be patronized by having a day earmarked to itself -- a list of slightly altered words, with definitions to match. I believe I've seen some (but not all) the words before. *shrug* Whatever. They're good.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. (None of them get through spellcheck)

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into yourbedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
I would like to add:

19. Juoy: A happy buoy.

20. Gigolow: A very short male professional escort.

21. Cornivore: One who lives on silly jokes.

22. Serendipotamus: Pleasurable chance encounters with hippos. (this breaks the one-letter-only rule, but I couldn't resist. Another possibility: Serendipita: The happy coincidence of finding fresh Mediterranean bread on your plate)

23. Dalicious: The taste of one of Dali's melting clocks -- i.e., like raw eggs and thyme.

24. Gnuance: A subtle wildebeest.

25. Lingerue: Underwear that the wearer regrets wearing -- the scarlet lace thong the admiral wore on the day his pants fell off in full view of the entire fleet, for instance.

26: Origasmi: The bliss of folding bodies together.


Anonymous said...

The Washington Post also published the winners of its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Tes* ticle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.


Amrobilia said...

What a larf! Loved ignoranus, gigolow, serendipotamus (brilliant!) n lingerue...har! Here are some silly ones you or anyone are/is welcome to define:


Sad, sad, sad - the Deli shoot is cancelled so for the moment I'll have to do without an orgy at sad!

Still waiting for a 15-day window for a trip to the tsunami-hit...

Amrobilia said...

What goes on? Doubled again!

Amrobilia said...

Oh! and


oh dear...

Marginalien said...

Thnx, gt -- I've seen that list before but it's good enough for several re-runs.

As for you, Amro ... well I gave your list a go and here's what I've come up with:

Malician: A citizen of Malaysia with bad attitude.

Perspiracious: What happens to a gracious hostess on a hot day with no airconditioner.


Vituberate: Like a foul-mouthed, argumentative potato.

Aperlure: Camera shutter constructed like a steel trap.

... and as for that long list of "Forni-" based items, I couldn't think up definitions as quickly as I could think up alternative words. Such as:

Fornicaterer: One who serves up f***ing awful food.

Fornicatarrh: The unfortunate results of sneezing while copulating.

Fornica: Laminated surfaces specific to brothels.

Fornikazi: Suicidal gang-rapists.

Something tells me it's time to stop ...

Marginalien said...

-- I managed to remove your double-entry Amro, but got stuck while trying to also remove your remark about doubling up ... Apparently the site doesn't like having comments removed! Dunno know why you've been experiencing double-trouble. Hiccups in the web?

Quizman said...

How about Laxagra? The art of swallowing Viagra and Ex-Lax at the same time. In the immortal words of Robin Williams, "you won't know whether you're coming or going."

Amrobilia said...

Oh, I love your 'fornivores'!!!